About Human Relationships

In the most general sense, a relationship is a connection. We have a connection to all those around us simply because we exist. From someone we pass on the street, to an acquaintance, friend, educator, professional, coworker, family member, or romantic partner. We also have a relationship and connection with ourselves – the relationship between our own body, mind and soul.

Layers of Relationship to Ourselves and Each Other

It can be helpful to view our connections as a range of layers. A layer of relationship refers to the physical, mental and emotional investment we put into our connection with ourselves or another person. Specifically, how much thought, energy and time you put into a relationship with yourself and others is completely up to you. In addition, how much interaction and consideration for another person’s needs, wants and desires is up to you as well. We’ll explore the five (5) most common layers of relationship here.

• General Regard
• General Esteem
• Emotional Connection
• Attachments
• Love

General Regard

General regard is the most basic relationship layer we can offer to all other people. It is the simple acknowledgement of another person’s existence and their dignity and worth. It is also a general respect for another person’s human rights and basic needs. You and all other people have the right to this layer of relationship.

Eye contact, a head nod, a smile, or even a “hello” are common ways we can express our general regard for one another. We can have this layer of relationship with other people even when we don’t get along well or see eye to eye. 

In addition, this is an important minimum layer of relationship to have with ourselves. It’s a basic acknowledgement and respect for our own needs and wants, and our own personal dignity and worth. We often call this layer of relationship with ourself “self-respect”. 

General Esteem

General esteem is an enhanced layer of relationship we can provide to those we enjoy interacting with. Though it’s still very casual in nature, when we have general esteem for someone else we tend to have an increased level of consideration for their thoughts and opinions. You might notice this layer of relationship with co-workers, classmates, friends, family members, neighbors, acquaintances, or even people you see regularly at the grocery store or gas station. General esteem is often expressed when we intentionally say hello, ask how the other person is doing, or even offer assistance if needed. We might say, “I like that person,” or “I think they’re nice,” or “I value their opinion.”

Similar to general regard, it’s important to provide general esteem for yourself. Liking yourself and valuing your own opinion is an important part of reaching your own unique highest and fullest potential. We often call this layer of relationship with ourself “self-esteem”. 

Emotional Connections

Emotional connections are generally deeper and are more meaningful to us. We often develop emotional connections with people when we have frequent interactions or share similar joys, traumas, backgrounds, histories, interests or common goals. However, sometimes we form an emotional connection right away. We might feel an immediate sense of common bond, comfort, safety or familiarity with a person even if we haven’t met them before. In this layer of relationship, we tend to have an increased consideration for the feelings and emotions of the other person that goes beyond general esteem.

We may go out of our way to make sure they’re okay, and may even try to cheer them up if they’re sad. When we have an emotional connection with someone, we tend to genuinely care about their thoughts, feelings, and well-being. We might express ourselves by saying “I care about you,” or “I want to make sure you’re okay.” 

This layer of relationship can be short-lived or last a long-time. For some people, this layer of relationship can last forever. In fact, this layer of relationship can continue even when we’re physically far apart or even if we don’t speak for a long time.

When we have a healthy emotional relationship with ourself, we care about and express our own feelings, too. We take the time to think about how we feel and prioritize making sure we’re okay. We also see and feel ourself in relation to those around us. Often, this layer of relationship is called “self-awareness”. 

Attachments

Attachment is a deep layer of relationship. In this layer, we feel a physical, mental and emotional bond to another person. In these relationships, we tend to take the other person’s thoughts, feelings, wants, need, goals and desires personally. Depending on the depth the attachment, your own sense of well-being might be impacted by the feelings, thoughts and experiences of the other person as well. Some people can develop attachments quickly and easily, while others take longer and have a higher threshold for developing attachments. This layer of relationship tends to offer those in the relationship the most opportunity for personal growth because we are sharing ourselves with someone else on a deep, personal level. Note: Sometimes when people are developing and nurturing an attachment, they may use the phrase “I Love You”, when they really mean, “I’m developing or have developed an attachment to you.” 

Having a strong connection with ourselves is also important. When we invest in understanding and exploring the physical, mental and emotional aspects of our own being, we tend to become more aware of who we are as whole. This is often known as our level of “self-confidence”. 

Love

Love is the deepest layer of relationship, though it often feels the lightest. In this relationship layer, we provide unconditional positive regard for another person and have a deep concern for their overall well-being. When we love someone, we might not always agree with what they do or how they think. But our expression of positivity towards them and our caring for them remains unchanged. We might express love by saying “I love you”, providing gifts or saying positive things that help build them up when they are feeling down or insecure. There are many ways to express love. When we love someone, we often feel positive energy in our chest or heart when we think of them. 

Just as with the other layers of relationship, “self-love” is important. Having a deep concern for our own well-being, forgiving ourselves for our own mistakes, and acknowledging our positive qualities is important to being able to fully thrive. 

For further research on love, you might want to explore “The 5 Love Languages”.

Changes in Layers

While it’s important to provide general regard for all other people, it’s common for us to increase or decrease our layers of relationship with those we’re connected to. This can happen for a variety of reasons, including conflict, lifestyle changes, or changes in our own needs, wants and goals.

When we have general esteem for someone, we often find ourselves saying “I like that person,” or “I enjoy being around them.” When we no longer want to offer this layer of relationship to someone, we might find ourselves saying “I don’t like that person,” or “I don’t really want to spend time with them.” While it’s important to maintain general regard, it’s always okay to stop interacting with someone if that is in your best interest or theirs. 

Emotional connections end for a variety of reasons. Simply put, we no longer feel or want to feel a connection. When this layer of relationship ends it is often noticeable, but generally not painful. You might recognize that you miss the person, or you might feel relief. When these connections end, you also might feel yourself wanting to re-establish this layer of relationship with someone else. 

Changes or conflict in our relationships at the attachment level can be felt strongly. We can feel physically, mentally and emotionally impacted because it can feel like a piece of ourselves is being removed. It might even physically hurt, and we may use the term “heart-broken” to describe our feelings. In fact, it’s common for many people to try to hold onto attachments because they don’t want to go through the pain of ending this level of relationship. However, it’s important to remember the sooner we let go of the attachment, the more quickly we can heal and move on. We can also still have an emotional connection or provide general esteem for someone even when we’ve ended an attachment layer of relationship. 

Generally, once we’ve developed an unconditional positive regard (love) for someone, this does not change. But how strongly we feel, or how much concern we have for their well-being can decrease significantly. In fact, we might not offer them any other layer of relationship except general regard.

Relationship Evolution

Our relationship layers often change when we grow and evolve, and learn more about our own boundaries. Boundaries are what help us determine what layers of relationship we want to provide others. As we learn more about our goals, feelings and our own likes and dislikes, we tend to develop new boundaries about what is acceptable to us and what is not. When our boundaries change, we might offer an increased layer of relationship with someone, or we might decrease our relationship layer with someone. 

Setting Boundaries and Healthy Rejection

Knowing and asserting our boundaries are important. Doing so increases our own self-respect, self-awareness and self-confidence. It also demonstrates love for ourself. When we are clear on our boundaries, it encourages others to be clear in their boundaries as well. Rejection is often part of asserting our own boundaries and clarifying relationships. While it may feel uncomfortable or seem impolite, rejection is simply an awareness of and acknowledgement of our own  boundaries. Having our idea, advance, or proposal rejected can make us feel vulnerable. When we are in the position of providing rejection, we can still honor the other person’s dignity and worth in variety of ways.

• Using “I” statements clarify that the rejection is about our boundary, not the other person’s idea, behaviors, advance or proposal.
• Offering reassurance and affirmation, and providing an explanation of your boundary can help people understand your boundary, and not take it personally.
• Suggesting or providing different options can help a person recognize there are other ways to meet their goals.

Here are some examples of healthy boundaries and rejection. 

“I think that idea really creative, but right now I believe this strategy would be more effective. I can show you why if you’d like.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have any coffee for sale right now. We should have some more tomorrow. Can you come back then?”

“I appreciate the gesture. I’m flattered. I’m really interested in someone else right now. Have you considered a dating app?”

“No, that’s not okay with me. It goes against my values.”

“I need something more in my life for my personal growth right now. From what you’ve expressed, I don’t think it aligns with your boundaries. I think we may need to change our relationship.”

Accepting Rejection

Rejection is a normal part of life. As human beings, we’re also going to be in the position of having our idea, or the layer of relationship we want to offer rejected. While rejection can make us feel vulnerable, it’s important to remember rejection is not about you and it does not define you. Rather, accepting rejection simply means we are respecting the other person’s boundaries. 

However, respecting someone’s boundaries doesn’t mean your idea, advance or proposal is wrong. It simply means that it’s not accepted by that person or within that relationship. The most healthy approach to rejection is to accept the other person’s boundary and move on. Rather than attempt to convince someone to change their boundaries, it’s respectful to yourself and others to find a person whose boundaries align with yours, or an opportunity where your idea, advance or proposal is accepted.

Here are some healthy examples of accepting rejection.

“Thank you for your time.”

“I understand. I’m sorry things didn’t work out.”

“You know what? I will try a dating app!”

“This proposal is important to me. I’ll have to find a new job where my ideas are welcomed.”

Relationships provide us with support in reaching our own unique highest and fullest potential while allowing us to provide support to someone else in reaching theirs. Many connections and relationships develop naturally and organically. However, understanding common relationship types and goals can help us better decide the layers of relationship we want to offer, and when and how we want to assert our boundaries. There are many types of relationships. Here, we’ll explore eight (8) of the most common relationship types and their associated goals. 

• Parent/Child Relationship
• Families of Origin
• Acquaintance 
• Friendship
• Dating Relationship
• Sexual Relationship
• Intimate Partner/Spouse/Marriage
• Working Relationship

Parent/Child Relationship

All of us come into this world dependent on others for learning and basic survival. A parental figure is someone who guides us through our growth and development until we become as independent as we can. The parental role can be filled by our biological parent(s), a grandparent, aunt or uncle, foster parent, step-parent, adopted parent, older sibling or even a friend, relative or legal guardian. The goal of this relationship is for the parental figure to provide for the basic needs of the child. This includes nurturing the child’s growth and development with healthy boundaries and routines, education, love, affection and positive encouragement. The goal of the child is get their basic needs met, and to learn how to secure them on their own. After reaching independence to the best of their abilities, some children continue the parent/child relationship or evolve these relationships into friendships.

Family of Origin

Similar to parent/child relationships, families of origin relationships provide us with our first set of core beliefs, guiding principles, language, cultural traditions, and other aspects of our life. While families of origin often include parental figures, they can also include siblings, extended family, friends and neighbors. The goal of these relationships are to provide us with an initial support system and worldview. We can choose to continue these beliefs and traditions as we grow older, or change them to meet our own needs and reflect our own experiences. Some people continue these relationships and increase their layers of connection and relationship with their families of origin. Others may simply share memories of familiar upbringing and experiences with no layer of connection other than general regard. 

Acquaintance

An acquaintance relationship is generally limited to brief or infrequent interactions where we share a layer of general esteem for one another. The goal of this relationship is often to build our network of people we know and a pool for potential friendships, dating partners or working relationships. 

Friendship

A friendship is a deeper relationship where we enjoy the company of the other person, share common interests, and engage in common activities. Goals of this relationship often include helping one another process thoughts and feelings, mutual assistance and encouragement in accomplishing personal goals, and general enjoyment and gratification. Friendships can include multiple layers of relationship ranging from general esteem and emotional connections, to attachments and love. Some people have a “best friend” or “best friends”. This generally refers to the friend or friends a person turns to and trusts the most. 

Familial Relationships of Choice

A familial relationship of choice tends to be one of the deepest relationship types. Goals of this type of relationship often include mutual assistance in meeting basic needs (such as food, clothing and education), housing upkeep, providing healthy affection, nurturing growth and ensuring the well-being of those involved. Familial relationships can be developed with any person, but are commonly associated with relatives, close friendships and intimate partners/spouses/significant others. Familial relationships of choice are often built with those who have shared levels of emotional connections and attachments.

Dating Relationship

A dating relationship is a type of relationship in which the goal is for the parties involved to test and explore whether or not to pursue a deeper level of relationship. While it’s common for a dating relationship to be associated with sexual or intimate partner relationships, dating can also occur when establishing friendships and working relationships. 

Sexual Relationship

The goal of a sexual relationship is to provide partners with mutual sexual pleasure, affection, and physical, mental, emotional and spiritual exploration, and/or to produce offspring. Sexual relationships can occur with an acquaintance, friend, or dating partner, or without any other type of relationship at all. However, many people have concluded that sexual relationships within a dating relationship or intimate/spouse/partner relationship (such as marriage) tend to provide the greatest level of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual fulfillment. You always have the right to wait until you are in a committed relationship or married to engage in sexual activities if you choose.

The goals of this type of relationship often combine the goals of friendships, familial relationships and sexual relationships into a single relationship. In addition to personal goals and dreams, this type of relationship also includes shared goals and aspirations, such a raising children, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby or starting a business together. These relationships tend to be most successful when shared goals are articulated well, and the goals of friendships, familial relationships and sexual relationships are also maintained. Minimally, these relationship types tend to include layers of attachment and love. In many countries today, this relationship is legally recognized as marriage.

Working or Business Relationships

Working or business relationships are role and goal based. The goal of these types of relationships is to provide an opportunity to share your unique time, talents, skills, experience and contributions with others. This means a person agrees to complete a set of tasks or duties, or to take on certain responsibilities in order to accomplish a shared mission or common goal. No other layer of relationship other than general regard is necessary to engage in a working or business relationship.

Thriving relationships help all people in the relationship reach their own unique highest and fullest potential. Indicators our relationships are thriving include: 

• Feeling heard and listened to;
• Feeling respected and valued; and
• Feeling like your boundaries are being honored.

In thriving relationships, there is also support for our personal growth, goals, and development independent of the relationship itself. Trust, honesty and transparency, even through difficult conversations, are also hallmarks of healthy relationships. Depending on your layer of relationship or relationship type, healthy affection and intimacy – combined with mutual consideration for the needs and wants of everyone in the relationship – are also important.

Signs your relationship is thriving also include your own desire to be in the relationship. Specifically, you feel like you want to be in the relationship, rather than need to be in the relationship. And you feel like decisions made that impact everyone in the relationship provide benefit for everyone, rather than just one side. When the relationship is not mutually positive and beneficial, one or both people can experience oppression.

“I” Statement + Assertive + Polite Communication

Regardless of the type, building, nurturing and maintaining thriving relationships often includes the ability to communicate your needs, wants, desires and feelings, as well as  being considerate of the needs, wants, desires, feelings and boundaries of others. Use of politeness, complete “I” statements, and assertive communication styles, tend to provide the best outcome. 

Politeness

Polite communication is a style of communication that demonstrates your consideration of the other person. It means you acknowledge them as a person, and their inherent dignity and worth. Saying “please” and “may I” when making a request, and “thank you” following an interaction acknowledges the other person’s boundaries, autonomy, and dignity and worth. This creates the opportunity for greater connection layers in the future, and at minimum, encourages wellness among self and others. On the other hand, rude communication styles tend to demonstrate a lack of respect for the other person, even if it’s unintended. In addition, rude communication can often sound like a demand rather than a request, which can make a person feel like a subordinate rather than an equal. Over time, this is likely to cause damage to the relationship. It’s important to note that lack of politeness is not necessarily rude. However, it can come across this way to the receiver. 

“Would you mind passing the salt, please?” 

“I would like a cup of coffee, please.”

“I’m so hungry! Pizza sounds really good to me. Would that be okay with you?”

“I’m feeling really sad because I got bad news today. Would you mind just sitting with me for awhile?”

Complete I Statements

Complete “I” statements allow you to express your own needs, wants, desires and feelings from your own perspective, and invite the listener to respond.

“I am feeling angry and frustrated because I’m worried about money. If I can’t afford to pay the rent, we might lose our home. I really need some help, and I feel like I’ve expressed this before. Will you please help me?”

“I think you’re really nice and respectful. I really appreciate that about people, and I hope maybe we can friends. Would you be interested in going to a movie on Sunday?”

“I feel so disappointed because I really like coming here. But I don’t feel like I’ve been treated fairly in this place on more than one occasion. I’d really like to get this resolved so that it feels good to come here. Is there someone I can talk to resolve this?”

Incomplete I Statements

“I” statements tell your story, and allow the other person to respond with theirs. Incomplete “I” statements, however, still do not communicate your full needs, wants, desires or feelings.

“I’m so angry.”

“I think you’re really nice and respectful.”

“I feel like everyone here treats everyone else poorly.”

Complete You Statements

On the other hand, “You” statements can come across as accusatory and often require the listener to process what sounds like a judgement on them personally. It often results in a defensive or submissive response, and over time can damage the relationship. 

“You’re making me mad because you’re not listening to what I’m saying.”

“You’re really nice, and you know how to treat people with respect.”

“You’re all the same. Every person at this place treats everyone else poorly.”

Incomplete You Statements

Incomplete “you” statements can leave the listener feeling confused, even if it’s intended as a compliment. And most importantly, “you” statements can be an attempt to tell someone else’s story for them, even if it’s incorrect. 

“You’re making me mad.”

“You’re really nice.”

“You’re all the same.”

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication provides the most effective communication strategy because it uses “I” statements to express your own needs, wants and desires, while also respecting the needs, wants, desires and boundaries of others. Let’s look at an example conversation:

1: Hi, I need to move these 10 boxes, and I’m concerned I won’t be able to do it efficiently by myself. Would you mind helping me?

2: I’m sorry. I really need to be going. In other circumstances, I would be able to help you, but right now I have to leave.

1: I understand. Thank you for your consideration. I’m feeling frustrated because I can’t find anyone to help me.

2: If you can wait until tomorrow, I can help you.

1: That might work. I will try to get more help today, but if not, I will connect with you tomorrow. Thank you so much.

Challenging Communication Styles

Some communication styles can be a little more challenging for both the communicator and the listener. Over time, they can also damage relationships. Here, we’ll view the same example conversation from above using challenging communication styles.

Co-dependent communication is a style that waits for permission from the other person to state your own wants, needs and desires. Although it may seem considerate, person 2 isn’t given the opportunity to engage in problem solving.

1: I’m wondering if you’re busy.

2: Yeah, actually I’m getting ready to head out for the day.

1: Oh, nevermind.

Passive communication tends to be the least effective. It also unintentionally demonstrates a lack of respect for self and others because there is no clear communication of what we need, desire or want, and there is an assumption that the other person should somehow be knowledgeable of our situation. The end result of passive communication is usually hurt feelings and frustration for the communicator. In this example, it might seem like person 2 doesn’t care. However, person 2 wasn’t given the opportunity to engage in meaningful conversation.

1: These boxes look so heavy.

2: Yeah, they do. Have a good day! I’m heading out now.

1: You, too.

Aggressive communication patterns tend to focus on “you” statements, where the speaker makes assumptions about the other person, and tends to be more demanding and less respectful. Aggressive communication patterns are most often met with aggressive responses, and can be very damaging to relationships.

1: Hey, you’re just sitting there. Help me with these boxes.

2: Actually, I have to leave.

1: You would probably do anything to get out of work.

2: #@$% You!

Passive aggressive communication is sometimes considered a form of manipulation that relies on another’s person’s kindness or sympathy to overcome the communicator’s style. Generally, this form of communication is also an attempt to get the other person to bend or let go of their boundaries.

1: Hey, if you’re not busy, help me with these boxes.

2: Actually, I have to leave right now.

1: Whatever, I guess I’ll just do it myself like I have to do everything myself.

2: I could probably help you tomorrow.

1: Fine, I guess.

Examining Your Communication Style

We often adopt our communication styles early on and they are usually passed on to us from those around us. If you come to notice your communication style is among the “challenging” ones, it can be helpful to practice healthy communication styles to improve your communication outcomes and relationship with others. There are many communication books available, as well as communication classes online or at your local schools or colleges. Ultimately, healthy communication styles lead to great relationships and help us on our journey to reaching our own highest and fullest potential. 

Unfortunately, all human relationship types (such a friendships, dating relationships and co-worker relationships) also have the potential to become “toxic”, “abusive”, or “oppressive”. This means that the relationship is actually working against its goals rather than towards them. In fact, a person can even have a toxic or oppressive relationship with themselves when they are working against their own goals. Over time, oppression in relationships can lead to incredible damage to a person’s sense of self-worth, self-respect and self-esteem. When we maintain toxic or abusive relationships, we are allowing a form of oppression against ourselves and the other person or people in the relationship. 

Warning Signs

Generally speaking, signs a relationship has become toxic, abusive or oppressive to one or more parties include:

• One or more people in the relationship are completely dependent on the relationship to feel good about themselves or their own self-esteem.
• One or more people in the relationship are sacrificing their goals, boundaries, beliefs or values to maintain the relationship.
• One or more people in the relationship are responding to one another with physical, emotional, mental or spiritual violence or abuse, including name-calling, lying, spying, belittling one another, withholding intimacy and affection, or controlling or isolating behaviors.

Rejecting Oppression in Relationships

Hitting, name-calling, lying and other forms of manipulation are not okay. If these things are occurring in your relationship, it’s important to recognize there is a problem and say directly, “It’s not okay”.  All people in a relationship have the right to be treated with dignity and respect, and to have their own goals and boundaries honored. When behaviors or actions violate these principles, it’s important to say it’s not okay. 

Relationships that have become oppressive can be healed. Usually this includes an awareness that the relationship has become unhealthy, recognizing the signs, and a sincere intention on all parties to evolve personally and within the relationship. Specifically, this means coming to a new agreement on goals, respect for new boundaries, and commitment to honesty, mutual encouragement, mutual consideration and healthy communication.

It can also mean ensuring all parties are clear on the relationship type and that the layers of relationship being offered to one another are aligned. For example, if one person is offering the other a friendship, and the other person is offering a dating relationship, the relationship is likely to continue to be toxic, oppressive or misaligned. In some cases, this type of healing and reconciliation requires some time apart, as well as introspection and counseling for one or both parties to gain clarity in themselves. 

Urgent Changes

While it’s important to recognize toxic or oppressive relationships can be healed, sometimes abusive relationships require outside intervention or an immediate and significant change to interrupt the cycle of abuse. This is particularly true when there is any physical violence. If you are in an abusive relationship – as the abuser, victim or both – please seek help immediately. It could save you and your partner’s life. 

You and Your Partner(s) Deserve to Thrive!

Remember, you and the people you have relationships with deserve the opportunity to reach your own unique highest and fullest potential. If your relationship is or has become toxic or oppressive, it’s important to remember you each deserve to have your needs and dreams fulfilled. 

Beliefs to Challenge

It’s okay for me to be in unhealthy relationships. 

Human First Lens

I recognize that I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect. I have the right to be honest and trusted, and I have the right to expect honesty and to trust in others. If these are not part of my relationship, I may need to reassert boundaries, and make changes as needed. I can also reach out for help.

Belief to Challenge

It’s too painful to break up with someone. 
 
Human First Lens

I recognize that ending a relationship when I have an emotional connection or attachment can be extremely painful because I am still offering an emotional connection or attachment that is not being returned. When I refocus this connection or attachment on myself, or offer it to another person who is willing to reciprocate, the pain is likely to go away.

Beliefs to Challenge

People who stay in relationships that are toxic or abusive are foolish.

Human First Lens

I recognize people may stay in relationships where there is physical, emotional and verbal abuse for a number of reasons. I understand they may feel they have no other options to secure their basic needs, such as food, clothing and housing, or they may sympathize with the other person because they genuinely care about them. I can help by reasserting that all people deserve to be treated with basic dignity and respect. I can also raise awareness that abuse is never okay and I can tell someone that name-calling, hitting, punching and other forms of abuse means that the most minimum layer of human relationship – general regard – is not being afforded to the person or people being abused.

Beliefs to Challenge

People who stay in jobs they don’t like are foolish. 

Human First Lens

I recognize that, similar to staying in an abusive relationship, some people stay at jobs they don’t like because they feel their options to have their basic needs met might be limited. I can help by encouraging people to know they have dignity and worth, and are deserving of working in an environment where they are treated with basic dignity and respect.